An Open Letter to the Love I Let Go While I Am Still Madly in Love

Ours was a kind of love that many people will never understand. We did not fit with others’ definition of love. They might call us “crazy” and “delusional”, and maybe we really are, but what we shared was the realest and truest experience I ever had.
You were the reason why I stopped reading and chose to reside in the real world because it’s finally happier than in the books. You were the reason why I write even more because you filled me with so many beautiful words. You were the reason why I stayed up late at night because talking to you is far more desirable than getting enough sleep. You were the reason why I took all those risks because you’re worth it. You were always there for me. You became a friend. You were there to listen to all of my thoughts and to snap at me when I begin to overthink. You were always there to listen to me cry when I have problems. You were always there to remind me what’s the right thing to do whenever I got confused. You have accepted me, and loved me even in my difficult times. You were there in almost every moment of my life. You became a part of me.
You often told me how we would never really be together in the end. While that thought greatly distressed me, I know that it’s the truth. No matter what, there will come a time in the future when I am going to lose you. You have a whole beautiful life waiting ahead of you. You deserve more than what I can offer you. You deserve to have your own family which I cannot give you. I cannot take that away from you. I often imagine what kind of life would that be, and what I see deeply saddens me. Because no matter how many times I tell myself that we were never meant to be together, I still wished that it’s going to be me and you in the end.
Then came a time when you finally left me. I wasn’t prepared to let you go. Not yet. It sure feels like I was dying. And I couldn’t just die. Not yet. So I ran after you. I chase you. I practically begged you to come back. I pleaded to you. And sure enough, you did come back. But you weren’t the same anymore. We weren’t the same anymore. We were no longer the same people. You made me feel like you don’t want me anymore, that you don’t love me anymore. There was never a week that we weren’t fighting. There was never a week that I wasn’t crying. There was never a week that we won’t break up. Honestly, I lost count how many time we broke up with each other, and got back together.
I wondered what made you change. Was I not enough? Did I love you too much you were scared? My love for you was an ocean, and you never know how to swim. You were afraid of drowning in it. So you left and it is I who drowned in my own ocean of love for you. When you left, I was never the same. It feels like it’s not you I have said goodbye to, but a part of myself. You were a part of me. And without you, I am not me anymore. And that’s when I knew that I love you— truly, deeply, completely, honestly.
I still clung to that meager hope that someday, you will come back for me. I hope someday you will remember me, and the meaning I once held in your life. But right now, you were a poison to my heart, and I am chaos to your mind.
I have learned so much from us. I learned that love will never leave you hanging. Love will never make you feel inadequate. Love will never leave you doubting. Love will never have to come back for you because love will never leave you. Love will never ask you to beg for time or attention because love will give it to you freely and whole-heartedly because love knows that you deserve it and that you deserve nothing less.
I may not have enough courage to tell the whole world what I felt for you, how much I love you, but I can write how much you mean to me. You will always be the name I will whisper to the moon, as it reminds me of you— so beautiful and so far away. You will always be the love I will think of when I see a shooting star, and wishing that someday, when I see you again, my heart will finally learn how to love you even if you will not feel the same way for me again. Until then, I can only wish you happiness. I wish that you would always be happy wherever you are, my love, my king. I hope you are wishing the same for me, too.
I love you, and I am letting you go now. ☺️

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